Last week I was in so much pain that I went to the civic. I was given prednisone and discharged. I went back again yesterday due to pain and fever sadly.
More xrays and blood work show that the inflamatory markers are down, so the reasons for the pain seem strange.
My village is helping as much as they can and I am so very thankful. Ive got until next tuesday off work, and am actually glad to rest and sleep thus far.
I see my gi doc tomorrow morning l suspect its time for Humira.
I feel kind if defeated.
Why are you sad? Why are you withdrawn? Is everything okay?
I dont know. Its …ineffable.
I should be happy. Exuberantly.. but I just feel like im still flailing along in a boat full of holes.
I used to have one. She giggled softly in my ear and helped me dance.
Now all I seem to hear are the voices of mothering and stern business.
Where has my muse danced off to?
I miss the rhythm in my hips.
A lot has changed in a year.
Chrons wise I’m still very sick. It’s been a stream of ever changing drugs that I’m never sure if they are working. (This is bad)
Mental health wise .. I’m still alive? I seem to be coping extraordinarily well? I don’t know.
I am working .. A lot. Almost every day is 3 houses. The days that aren’t seem to fill quickly with carseats and one time jobs. (This is good)
Husband and I are doing ok. We do this crazy talking thing, and we seem to be surviving the ups and downs.
Kids are growing like weeds. Eldest has size 8.5 feet now, and freakishly long fingers. Middle is sassy, and we work on “tone” and tiny tank is growing well, but seems to have a cold currently.
I may be closing the blog. I don’t know.
I don’t know why. But it is.
I .. Want to walk away from my life today. Just get in the car and drive until I run out of gas.
But I know that’s the wrong choice.
Doesn’t mean I don’t want it.
Just walk away.
Sometimes I read to my children. Now all 3 like to read to me.
The bibliobus our weekly restocking of adventures and knowledge, feeding the sponge that is growing minds. It has also been teaching (conveniently) about late fees!
Chapters gift cards are treasures. Clasped firmly as children do the “how many books is that?!” math, eyes shining. This year Lily got herself a full series of books 1-7!
Lately I have burried myself firmly in “A tale of ice and fire” (George R. Martin’s epic) and read all the books published to date rather faster than they are published. It was delicious, but heavy. I chased it with the second half of Neil Stephenson’s Snow Crash, which has a delightful character named Reason to whom I’m certain you’ll listen.
After that, I read a book I purchased solely based on the cover. (which I tweeted …)
Horton’s Magical Mechanisms is targeted for middle readers, but I very much enjoyed the short trip through that verse.
Today I finished “When God was a Rabbit” which was confusing, captivating, and a wonderful read all around.
Now I am reading “The girl who circumnavigated fairyland in a ship of her own making” which has delightful Victorian chapter headers and art.
I’m not sure where I’ll go after this. I’ve got a lot to read!
They say you learn more when you fail than when you succeed.
I am having a day. Things called life keep happening and catch me unawares.
Keep swimming. Keep trying. Aim for successes. Take your failures with good grace and get up.
Per Ardua Ad Astra. A Phoenix lives here.
My mother dreams a home. She sees the space as her canvas, and is crafty & deft of hand.
I – her far too tall adopted girl – Clean them. With a vengeance. My business began after I boasted of my mornings accomplishments on twitter. A friend asked for a quote. The rest? Well I hated insurance, and find cleaning rather zen truth be told.
So. About Cleaning.
Is your house a mess? Toys underfoot? Laundry monster clean, but an unfolded mess somewhere? Kitchen splattered and dishes stacked?
You are not alone. I promise.
Sometimes we stare at the cacophony around us and don’t know where to start. Well, the answer is simple. Start right where you are and work outward. Stop when you are tired or interrupted.
I call it the flight of the bumble bee clean. You would be amazed what you can do in 10 minutes. Even a bathroom can be cleaned in 10 minute increments if that’s all you have.
Make the people you live with help. Even the tiny ones. Especially them. Teach them right from the beginning that toys are picked up nightly before bed! One less task for you!
On Chemicals: I prefer to clean with vinegar. It works better, smells better, is antibacterial, eats soap scum and is cheap. It’s also not like to give me cancer, which is grand. It’s also incredibly cheap.
Aside from that? All you need is to make the time. If you lack a time turner or other time making device, I know a great housekeeper.
My dearest Shorty.
Today you greet the sun for the start of your eighth turn.
So much changes in a year. Taller now than you were! You were telling me all year that you were worried it might not happen. Mighty trees start slowly too beloved. You are up to my ribs now, feet flat on the floor. Excellent progress I think.
You are a fair child with pretty green eyes now. It’s been interesting watching them change colors all these years. I often wonder where they will stay.
I always feel silly writting these letters you know – like I’m building a time capsule for you.
You and lily are starting to dislike sharing a room, but learning to share space with someone you love is a hard lesson. What can I say – I’m mean that way.
You love to iron and stitch and cook. You are BFF with the girl next door last I heard – your friendship reminds me of myself and Aunt JP in many ways.
My little rose. You fret much, but are learning fun skills from brownies and well … Anywhere someone will teach you. Always inquisitive.
8 years together snuggle-bug.
“Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed
That with the sun’s love, in the spring
Becomes the rose”
For ten years I have been trying my durndest to be a good mama. To teach you important things, to kiss you and hug you and hope to god I’m doin it right.
Ten years ago, this very moment- you were on your way to me. The sweetest gift I have ever chosen to have in my life. Someone who has shown me more about life than I ever would have thought possible.
Sometimes I feel like I’ve failed you and done it all wrong. Then I see your smile when you come home after a week away and feel the crush of your arms around me and I think that you’re gonna be just fine an that maybe I’m doing an ok job.
A decade of motherhood. A decade of smiles and tears, kisses, hugs, art, bandages and so many moments.
I’m afraid you’ll drift away soon, in that way that adolescents do. Until then? Kisses, hugs, bedtime songs and likely a whole lot more exasperated shouts of your name.
Happy birthday baby girl. I love you more than I could ever find the right words to express.
I can’t believe it’s been a decade.
Pictures of Lily have made my life wonderful.