Difficult

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Today at 5pm, my doorbell rang.

Someone was kind enough to print out my last post, and contact childrens services on my behalf.

I am feeling frustrated by this, and am not sure how to proceed.

I know I wrote I was sad, and that my kids were too, but .. wow.  This is the place where I sometimes vent .. and now I feel beyond violated.  Normally a quick little letter of “Hey, are youse okay now?”

For the record: We are ok.  We are all talking to each other and our respective therapists.  The children are okay too.

Thanks for your concerns… that were backhanded and delivered passive aggressively.  I feel like youve pissed on me while I was standing in the pouring rain.

The Village is Dead

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It has been an ongoing turn of 3 weeks, where things just keep exploding. 

I can tell you that my father is ill, slowly dying.  I can tell you my husband and I have never recovered from the bomb of.November 15, 2011..  I can tell you my partner broke my trust 3 times in as many weeks, by engaging in a new relationship (and lying!) while our own is tossed upon the rocks by the strain of our lacking communication.  I can tell you my children are sad.  They see mama hiding, journaling, crying.  They see me avoid a once friend, because of broken trust.  Some of them have regressed.  I have too. 

There is too much on my plate.  Too many wolves at the door.

I feel so very lonely. 

Calling all Seamstresses

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So, we are going to do an evening working on our needlework badge with the guides soon.

There used to be two women who came to the guide groups with 15+ machines and helped to make pants. Alas, they cannot be located.

I need to see how many women, and their sewing machines will be willing to come and help supervise 24 girls sew VERY SIMPLE Pajama pants in 2 hours on March 10th or April 7.

If you would be interested in assisting me, please email!! rae.a.green (at) gmail.com

Fibromyalgia

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Well. A diagnosis. Another to add to my growing list.

an MRI is next.

I feel overwhelmed. Relieved? Exhausted.

I don’t know what’s next.

Eclectic

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This is my altar.  Eclectic.   

I am .. paganish? If you must define me. 

I feel very alone in my mish-mashed beliefs so often that I dont quite know where I fit within the community at large.

I tried wicca, but it felt too fluffy.

I danced briefly with Bast, but I felt that relationship fade.

Its been fun hiding with the druids, but ritual there feels more like scripture than magic. 

Still seeking.  Always learning.

Three steps forward…

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So .. not moving. At least not until some later time…

I have written a lovely letter to our landlord, and will enclose lovely photos of all of my points. Hopefully he will write a letter in return. English is not his first language, and I don’t speak Italian (sadly) so we have great difficulties communicating verbally.

My baby this week: I have sacroilitus, and adding a baby on top of it was a silly thing to do. It’s done a number on my pelvic alignment – ouch. Thus, I am gearing up to start working part time soon. It will be interesting to see what comes of sitting about. Maybe sewing…

To stay or go

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For the most part, I like my house. We rent, and that makes it harder to find “exactly” what you want.

I have lived here for 3 and a bit years now, but I’m not sure if I should stay here, or move.

Because of Mold.

It was in the upper bathroom when we moved in, but requests for repair, or even a new ceiling fan were largely ignored by Landlord (LL).

Earlier this year, I got bylaw involved to get appropriate handrails for the stairs, and for LL to get the mold repaired. He did the rails, but only bleached / repainted over the mold, and did not replace the ineffectual ceiling fan. We have bleached twice more since, and the mold continues.

There has been a crack in the northern bedroom wall for a time. Eldest picked the paint off, and we found mold in there too. The wall is soft to the touch in places, but LL says It’s Fine.

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But moving.

We are a large family (6.5) with many pets, and a trailer.

Purchasing a home is .. RIGHT OUT. For many reasons.

And as tenants, Landlords take issue with the largeness of my family, and my pets.

.. but damnit. Mold.

Keeping Secrets

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Sometimes I tell you everything. The bumps, the bruises, the hurts.

For the few years, I’ve kept my mouth pretty firmly shut. I don’t know what to say. I’ve .. run out of words?

My life is more complicated than I can or want to really explain. I am saner than I have been in years, and gods be amazed – happy. It’s good. I am good.

So:

It’s a baby.

We are having another baby.

Allow 10-12 weeks for delivery.

Differing Opinions

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My ex and I don’t always agree on all things. On many things actually, but that is why we each have lovely other spouses that aren’t each other.

Most of the time, our parenting styles and beliefs go nicely together.

Sometimes they dont. At all.

Our second child is Nine. We saw her with the Ex last sunday on their way to go costume shopping. I was MORE than shocked when A pulled her costume from her bookbag on Friday, triumphant. She told me she would need leggings to make it suitable for trick/treating and school.

Ms. Blue is from Monster High

Wow. No. It needs so much more than leggings to make it suitable.

Nothing about that costume made me feel comfortable. Like it was AT ALL appropriate for 1) Her age 2) the weather 3) School. From what I’ve read about the show, I’m actually surprised that Ex lets her WATCH it, but that’s a whole other ball of wax.

So. We discussed that I was not comfortable with the amount of skin the costume showed, and that I didn’t feel it was dressing to her age. I said it was too short for school, and would NOT keep her warm when trick/treating – last year’s big issue! Together, we opened Wiki to a list of heroines, and she picked 4, which got shortlisted down to Bat Girl. After some rummaging about on the internet, the dollar store, goodwill and in my fabric bins, this is what we managed to magic up:

She was a little sad that I wouldn’t let her wear the other, but her most pressing concern seemed to be that the Ex wasted his money. He did. I’d like to say I care, but I know it was less than $20. I just can’t imagine sending her out the door for ANY day, let alone Halloween dressed like .. that.

I want her to see that she is more than her body, and more than the skin she shows. You can be awesome and still be fully clothed.

FTR: She was beyond thrilled tonight when she bounced out the door in the costume that we have spent the last 4 days working on together, and there has been little mention of Ms. Blue as a costume since Batgirl arrived on scene. Thankfully.

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Edit: Yes. I police how my children dress. All of us have shirts that cover our navels when our arms are raised, and skirts & kilts come to just above the knee or get worn with leggings. It’s a tricky thing because the Ex does not. Many skirts are confiscated by the laundry monster, just as shirts and pants are sent to the too small pile!

It is not that I worry about their dressing provocatively and attracting a monster, but more .. I want them all (not just the girls!) to see that modesty can be a form of self love. Also! A learned that MAKING a costume is FUN – extra benefit.