It's been a pretty insane week!

+ Rob agreed to marry me (silly lad)
- Rob sliced his thumb open and fainted at work
- Rob lost 2.5 days of work
+ WSIB approved the salary for those days.
- Rob got laid off on Monday due to lack of work
+ Rob got a new job at Myers Hyundai on Wednesday, and started yesterday.
+ We used his vacation pay to pay off the 2nd sunfire we bought to replace the dead one.
- The old sunfire died (2 weeks ago...) It runs, but you have to keep it (and start..) in 3rd gear / Needs a muffler.
+ We seem to have finally found a groove with Rick living here. (I think.)
+/- Gryphon is crawling/cruising at light speed and getting into everything/anything. Yay/GRR/HEY MY MOUSE!
- I'm REALLY fricken tired.
- Rob's new job has split hours - like 6am - 3:30pm, or 1pm - 9pm. Good times will surely come of this.
- Rob is also REALLY fricken tired.
- Gryphon doesn't believe in sleep until he is beyond exhausted and can scream about it.
- Gryphon is a biter. Arms/Legs/Pants/Boob/WHATEVER. He just bites. :/
+ Amy and Lily love school and their teachers
+ I've gotten some holiday gift stuff knitted/sewn/found used.
+ We are making great progress in debt repayment.
+ We are doing the 20 days of Yuletide Joy again.
- I still haven't started planning it.
- I need to get my snowtires put on.
- My car "whoomps" around right corners. :/
+That might be covered by warranty.
+ Will and I have worked out the holiday schedule, and it mostly works out well.
- I need a babysitter for 2 nights - one for all 3, one for G.
+ I have awesome friends that might do it for free.
- Gryphon is really obsessed with my mouse. And tired. And yelling at me.
- There are 5 loads of laundry that need folding, 1.5 that need washing, and my bed needs to be changed this weekend. Bleh.
+ I sold all of my tiny diapers - to a friend! .. which means she may be willing to buy my larger ones later.
- Seriously boy. Stop biting!!

.. *sigh* Is everyone's life like this?

Timing is everything.

I've been holding it in for a while. Working things out on my own, reconciling previous failures, and "what went wrong?" 's and things that are just hard to sort out. When that was done I started to wonder if I could do it, if I should do it, and mostly if he'd say yes.

Today, quietly in the kitchen I grabbed a chocolate covered cake ball (ala bakerella's cake pops (http://www.bakerella.com/category/pop...ake-balls/)) and asked Rob to marry me.

He said yes. :D

It's sort of nerve wracking, carrying all that about in your head!

And no. None of you are invited. I've done that hell once, and I can honestly say NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN. No Cake, NO DRESS, no DRAMA, and NO GODDAMNED SEATING CHARTS FROM HELL..

It will be ... just us. That's all there needs to be.

http://www.bestbuy.ca/catalog/proddet...atid=28597

This is what I am saving my holiday pennies for. All best buy gift cards appreciated :D

Whee. Being a girl? ROCKS.  (Also, I'm going to have to generate a "TMI" Category at this rate...)

I spent 1 hour at my family doc yesterday, and he decided that my fever was too high for him to treat, and sent me along to emerg. I was terrified - didn't he know there was a pandemic and that I'd be there for 10000 hours with so many sick people? Well, when I arrived with a note in my hand the nurses looked me up and down and decided I was a "3" (1 being dying) and I was in a room/gown within half an hour getting blood extracted (which is impressive!).

I saw the resident within 30 minutes of that, and she did a pelvic exam to figure out where my belly hurt.. except there are no stirrups in emerg, so she used the handle bars of the bed for a macguyvered foot rest and used that terrible "scooch down" phrase.

After that I was left to doze for about 30 minutes, then walked over to ultrasound for more prodding. Spent 20 minutes waiting, and then another 30 on the table. When I got back to the ER area, I was informed by my starting doc that it was shift change and the new doc would review my U/s quickly and get me out, and told me that I could put my pants back on (!Woo!) Well, it took an hour to get my report back from U/s and the doc to review it and find me. I think it was mostly I looked pathetic and in pain.

The results are: Cyst on left ovary, possible pelvic infection due to IUD (likely what started the rejection) and some interesting "Thickened small bowel" which could point to IBS (huh.) They sent me home with a course of strong antibiotics, a referal for another u/s in 6-8 weeks and instructions to ween Gryph because "These drugs are not tested for breastfeeding" and "unknown risk" and "There's no real benefit to nurse beyond 6 months. You've given him all the antibodies he needs..." I countered with not putting him on dairy yet "Well, you could just formula feed.  They have /soy/ options."  *blink* "My husband is a pediatrician, and we were just discussing this!" .....

..UHM. PARDON?! I asked her 3 times what the risk categories of these drugs were, and she wouldn't give them to me. So, I took the 'script with a smile and a nod and came home to prod Dr. Hale's Website and Safe Fetus.  Turns out that both drugs are B class.  They excrete into milk, and could cause diarreah in the infant, but are frequently prescribed for various serious infections including mastitis.  Thus, they are fine, and the ER Doc is a stupid cow. 

I'm still sore (obviously) and trying to relax and plan for being on my feet all weekend for a course I'm teaching.    I'm pretty happy with only a 3 hour trip to the ER (it was dead when I arrived apparently, but busy when I left!). I was very happy to see Gryph when I got home (he hadn't nursed in 7 hours, by the time I got my 'scripts), and the girls were happy to see me! Rick had picked them up from the bus, but not really told them anything, so they were a little stressed. 

All night last night, Lily had a cough.  This morning she has a fever/chills and is clearly tired.  I called her in sick to the school.  Amy didn't start coughing until she woke up this morning, so I'm not sure what to make of hers yet. 

Kinda wish I could hide in bed all weekend, but it's OK.

I'm amazed how many responses I've gotten to the last post and some of them immediatly rationalized "I'm sorry you're down" or "Just be happy". Did you not read the last post? Do you not know anything about chronic depression?

The post wasn't to say that I'm really broken /right now/ the post was musing on a lifetime of broken. It seems like people just skimmed it and read what they wanted to.

None the less, some good questions:

"Have you tried therapy?" - (Again, I think you just skimmed it ...) "Even my therapy appointments are spent with the boy creature crawling about being a loud nuissance." I'm seeing someone. We've been in a healthy talking relationship for 8 months.

"Are you taking meds?!" No. I'm not. The drugs either make extra broken, and cry all the time or walk around all numb and like a vegetable. Also - My therapy guy says that I likely don't need them - I just need to work through the piles of crap.

*sigh* So - I'm still swimming along, just musing on what I am.

I have been living with depression in one form or another my whole life I think.

As a child of course, it's easy to say "you're only sad because you've moved and left all of your friends behind" or "you're just sad you failed that math test".

As a teenager, my dad took me to the mental hospital in Fredericton to see someone. He didn't know how to "help", because the only way I could ever describe it was "I'm so sad I'm angry" and he didn't want to talk about it.

When I had Lily, post-partum wasn't really - it just pushed me further into a pre-existing depression. I got better as she aged, and then plummeted again post Amy. I think that's part of what's happening now - another baby, another dip.

I'm always amazed at people when I tell them (or imply) that I suffer from depression. People rationalize so quickly. "Oh, I'm sure it's nothing major" or "It's all in your head! Just think Happy!". I can tell you right now, that my brain is not a happy place. In Grey's Anatomy, Meridith once described herself as "all dark and twisty inside" and .. that's pretty accurate for me. But still people find away to wave it away. "Your life is just hard."

Maybe my life is hard. I've got 3 children (who are my bright spots) a partner (who I love, but sometimes needs managing) an ex-husband (who frequently makes me sad - unintentionally, and without malice BTW) a house to manage (which always seems too messy, too full, too busy, too loud) a Small Business (another bright spot more often than not), and a volunteer organization (which feels sometimes like it's stomping me in to the ground) and a "Career" in Insurance (Yes! Let's Push Paper! Woooo.) ..Ok, well that is a lot for a life. Plus, add in parental stress (this one isn't talking to me, this one seems mad at me, this one and I don't connect, that one is too busy to talk, and well .. I don't know WHAT is happening to that one), worrying about friends (Is she sad? do we need to go? what can we do?) and run of the mill general WHOOPS LIFE HAPPENED stuff, and are we going to get a daycare spot, and did you pack a lunch, and get in the shower and.. and .. there's no time left for me. Even my therapy appointments are spent with the boy creature crawling about being a loud nuissance.

.. but when I go to bed at night, I don't feel like my life is hard. I feel like my life is mine - I'm just really .. sad and mad, and tired.

I don't know. I thought this post would type more of itself than it has. Now I feel like I've stalled and can't pull up.

In it's essence, maybe that's what depression is. You get so bogged down in the details and climbing up your lists of all the things that need managing, and then boom. You reach that critical angle where you're no longer creating lift over the list, and you stall and start to spiral downwards towards bottom. Sometimes you pull up and out of the stall, and save yourself. Other times your wings clap themselves together into a final salute and you find yourself lying at the bottom of the pit wondering what the hell just happened.

... Yeah. Dark and twisty. I should sleep now. I imagine great dreams will follow this one.

Every November I think to myself that I should do something like the blog post a day, or writing a novel or something, and then I remember that I'm horribly busy all the time.

Just the same, I miss writing. I seem to have totally fallen out of habit of even jotting down what's going on day to day here, or posting my 365 shots. Sticktoitiveness, I seem not to have much of.

So! I give you now another update in bullet point form:

- House sorting is going slowly. I still have to dig out a lot of the basement, and have a tonne of painting to do. I need some Gryph free time blocks of more than 20 minutes that don't already have other commitments in them. I suspect these time blocks will have to be scheduled, and childcare arranged.

- Lily and Amy are blossoming in school this year - Amy's french has taken off, and Lily is spelling like a champ.

- It took me 3 days to come back from the IUD extraction. I will never EVER recommend one to ANYONE.

- Rob is now working most Saturdays as the other apprentice found a job elsewhere. This is both good and bad.

- I'm slowly adapting to living with a teenager. It's slow, and I'm .. trying to be patient, and remember that he is not yet an adult, despite looking a lot like one. The temptation to mama is there, and so is the temptation to strangle.

- I have recently acquired a sister :D Much like Jenn, Chelle is now a sister by choice. You can learn about here here: http://moiread.livejournal.com/ I've always been an advocate of family by choice (see: 3 Moms) and it's just awesome to have sisters! :D

- I have brownies. Nom.

So, for the last few weeks, I've had random abdominal pains that have had me bent over feeling like I'm in labour. Then yesterday morning, they started and kept on coming. I Checked my IUD strings to find they had dropped. All signs now pointed to rejection :/ I called my family doc, and he agreed to see me as a walk-in right away (Thank gods!) and removed it for me. Total cost = $75/month - most expensive birth control ever.

When we got home, I spiked a fever, and spent the rest of the night in bed. Today, I'm still with the fever, and chills, but the belly pain is 80% less. I'm hoping this is all nothing serious, but in the mean time I feel terrible.

In other news, Rick got a job @ Canadian Tire today! I think he's nervous about taking the bus on Friday, but his shift start clashes with getting the girls to school. I've showed him maps, and will get him some bus tickets, and he'll be fine or he'll call.

Rob is making dinner, and Rick minding the baby. I'm hiding in a blanket, trying to feel better.

Well now! Here's something new.

I'm working on changing my name in my real life to match what I've been feeling for the last 10 years. Effective immediately, I will be going by "Rae" all the time. I've even changed my Google account (which was a pain!) to reflect it (also, the old one had my married name..)

So. Change in name, feels more like me than ever.

Odd, but not, you know? More like this is how it was supposed to be.

Change is good.

Hair Problem Solved. I cropped it back down to a pixie. It looks cute! (I think?)

It's been a hard week - G is super congested and not really sleeping, so neither are we. As with all things - This too shall pass.

I need a break from my life I think. I haven't had any time for /just me/ or /just me and rob/ in about 6 months, and I'm getting to the end of my rope. Demands are being made on me home/painting/moving/unpacking/business/"volunteer" hours/kids/laundry and I .. I'm done. It's sad that going back to work looks great because it means there will be less to manage!

.. I'm going to go hide in my basement and pretend like I'm putting it back together. It's been really hard having to put the house back together while managing the regular schedule and juggling the baby. We've lived here almost a month, and .. I've still got an arse load to do.

How do you keep it separate?

Can be in business with friends and not have the two lives overlap? Not really - they tend to be intertwined don't they?

What about when someone feels hurt, and you can understand how, but you're not sure if it's your fault or how to fix it if indeed the fault is yours?

Sad.

It was a hard day with G, followed by a stress filled meeting.

Not sure if I want to cry or scream or sleep.

If I ever had a blog groove, I've misplaced it.

1 cup butter
2 cups brown sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla

3 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
3 cups quick rolled oats

Mix wet into dry.

2 tbsp butter
1 14oz can sweetened condensed milk
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips (I used 1 C. PB Chip + 1.5 C S-S Chip)

Mix together over medium heat until combined.

Press 2/3 of oat batter into pan. Spread chocolate overtop,

then last 1/3 of oat batter on that.

Bake at 350 degrees for ~25 minutes.

(I get these every time I'm at Starbucks, and NEEDED to make them. Photos to come.)

Well. We've been in the new house for a week and we're .. getting there.

I'm unpacking at a slower rate now, and we're slowly slowly getting it all put back into it's right place. There are still quirks to work out - ie: the lego needs to move upstairs away from Gryphon, and Amy's curtains keep falling (fixed that..) and the ceiling fan still needs to go into the kitchen, and Rob still needs a PC assembled (whoops) but .. we're getting there?

Unfortunately, the rest of life isn't backing off to give me a chance to breathe. There is always a constant stream of SEATS things to deal with (including a doozy of a "study" from Transport Can. to deal with NOW), the business is still not set up (the basement needs digging out...) and yet, I still see a little bit of progress in the house every day. Today I got all of the garden tomatoes processed, as well as the sauerkraut and pickles! One less thing that needs URGENT attention.

Gryphon is now pulling himself to standing every chance he gets, and standing unassisted for 2-20 seconds. I fear he'll walk early. It's incentive to bolt the bookshelves down, but exhausting as he now needs much more monitoring!

I've had a head cold for the last 4-6 days too, which I imagine is adding to the exhaustion. I should likely be going to bed before midnight, but it just hasn't been working that way - it's easier to work in the evenings when Rob is here to be an extra pair of hands for baby wrangling!

This weekend is Thanksgiving, and a split weekend - Maybe Sunday/Monday will let me get some real amount of stuff done?

Today I'm taking part in Miss Fish's Hourly Photo Project!

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See Flickr for Full Photo Descriptions!

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 -- 16:00 --- (Was missed due to getting home from school and insanity!)

 
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--- 20:35 --- (Good company, baking, and bedtimes, almost blew it entirely!)

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**After cake I hopped into some jammies and went to bed.  It was a fun adventure, even if I almost blew it a couple of times, and forgot one entirely! 

 

Well, we're in the new place and chaos has happened! Internet arrived today, and that is great!

The bedrooms are all pretty well setup, but Lily's and Rick's still need more painting. The kitchen is in much the same state - set up, but needs painting.

There are boxes /everywhere/ and I have no idea where my mouse is.

So - that's it. We're in, it's a mess. I've got a show for Slingtastic on the weekend (CRAP!) and Dad is apparently visiting this weekend too (DOUBLE CRAP!) so now I have to get all the duckies to line up before Saturday morning! Good times.

It will all be much rosier in a week I'm sure.

It's going OK. The kitchen has been scrubbed within an inch of it's life, and the Living room/dining room area got their first coat of "Soulful Aria" today. I like the look of it, so it will likely be that color for the hall ways and the stairwell.

The landlord unexpectedly ripped out the kitchen counters today when he pulled out the old kitchen sink, so I imagine we'll be getting new counters by weeks end. Exciting. The new bath tub is in, and they put the new tiles on the upstairs bathroom floor today too. He hasn't done the tub surround yet, but small steps? As soon as that bathroom is done, I've got a mauve-y color to paint it.

Lily's room will have a yellow-ish bottom half, and a blue top half with the glow in the dark stars, and her solar system stuff. Amy's room will have 2 purple walls, 2 pink walls and white trim. Richard's Room is just blue. (Yes. Richard, my charming goof of a step brother. He'll be moving in with us for a while starting possibly as soon as next week. Long. Ass. Story). My Room is going to have a "Chocolate Kiss" wall and 3 "swiss coffee". I'm excited.

There's still a million things to paint, and time goes ticktock. I'm trying not to stress, but alas it isn't happening that way. Progress is happening, but slowly.

*sigh*

ETA: I'm having a hair crisis. Vote in the right sidebar, under the flickr box.

I have a liar in my house. The oldest girl actually.

She says it's because I'm always busy with the baby, or Daddy's always busy with Amy and his computer, or "I just forgot.."

I'm sad more than I'm angry, and I feel like I'm doing this parenting thing wrong or I've broken her or something.

.. what do you do with a Liar? Shun them? Take away privileges? Allowances? None of it seems to work.

Today, I didn't punish. Today I told her that she made me sad (while crying, because I was/am sad) and that she should just go to bed. I just don't know what else to do.

Well, it's officially ours now. Deposits paid, and keys in hand.

The previous tenants left a lot of /junk/ and dirty walls, and well .. it smells sort of funky.

So, yesterday we started small - I got an oven from a cousin of a friend for cheap, which me moved from her garage to my kitchen, and then we took my favorite plants from the back here and put them along the flower beds over there. There's one more plant that needs moving, but my workers were tired and whiny (men! I tell ya!).

The cleaning that needs to be done .. makes me a little queasy. The walls are all standard issue rental beige, with an inch thick coat of smokers grime and hand prints on the walls (ew). I washed 3 walls and 5 doorways while the boys were planting, and it hardly looks like anything was done! I picked up a gallon of kitchen/bathroom paint today in the hopes of getting the cupboards to be white again!

The upstairs bathroom was ripped most of the way out by the landlord today. He took out the old green toilet, and all the tile/drywall around the shower. It had sliding shower doors on the old tub, and the landlord has put them in one of the bedroom closets - I left a sticky note asking that he not use them because they trap mildew and all sorts of gross nasty things, but we'll see. I had hoped he would be replacing the counter in the bathroom, but it looks like he's just replacing the green sink with a white one (is it wrong to hope it doesn't fit?) There's no cupboard under the bathroom sink - that will get annoying. I'll have to measure after we move in, and see if I can find a small drawer unit for brushes and stuff.

I've taken before photos with my crackberry (so the quality's not great) and I've put them on my flickr! (or I'm doing it now.)

.. while I was at Rona, I forgot my paint swatches in the cart, and I think she charged me .36 for them! Makes me extra mad to have forgotten them.

It's ours. He just called.

We're good to move in Oct. 1, do any cleaning/painting/etc in the next few weeks, and then .. we're good to go.

So! Now I'm going to post this place, and if I can get it rented for Oct. 1, then we'd get our LMR back!

... WOOOSH.

I've been high on anxiety for the last two days, and now suddenly I'm full of .. more anxiety? :P

It's all happening so fast.

Yesterday my neighbor across the way moved out. I went across (apparently between loads) and spoke to the woman who was watching the last of the stuff. She told me the size of the place (4 bdrm), and what the previous tenant (her daughter) had been paying. I tired not to vulture, but wanted DESPERATELY to look inside the place.

This morning as we were getting ready to get people off for the day, the landlord arrived to survey his place. I spoke with him (VERY ITALIAN) and discovered it isn't rented (?!) but that he's looking for Oct. 1 (!!!). He showed me around, and when I announced it was wonderful he said that he would bring an application and put it in my mail box this aft (!!) and that he wasn't looking for a rent increase (HOLY WHAT?!) and that we seemed like nice enough folk, but he'd like to see our app. The rent is ONLY 100(!) more than my current.

... so. I filled in the app.. and then I realized that if that place was available for Oct. 1, I'd have to give notice here TODAY so that our last day would be Oct. 31st (60 days). So... I typed up notice for my land lady, and took it downstairs. She was trying to be happy. She giggled at the baby, and gave the girls cookies, and then .. cried. (and I feel bad, but we've really out grown this place)

So. Now, tomorrow I give the "guy" the app. and .. well .. wait. If we don't get approved, we can always rescind our notice .. but .. 4! Bedrooms. ACROSS THE STREET! $100 MORE A MONTH!!! (Instead of $400+ around the corner) Sorry. Excited.

.. but I should know by this time next week. (PLEASE!) and he said if we're approved, since it's vacant we can move/paint/do whatever.. but if we've got October, and the kids are in school, I can move things in fits/starts, and paint over time, and move our mass quantities of stuff (and PURGE as we go!).

A small fire of hope burns here.

.. in a sea of Calamity!

D and I are at her mum's place in southern ontario with our combined 8 children. We've been here since Wednesday and this is the first real moment I've had to myself. She's taken (along with some grandparents) 6 of them to the park up the street, and I'm home with the baby and little D who is very engrossed with his DS.

Not that I really have much to say, now that I get into it though, so I give you a point form update:

- My depression is flaring again, and I'm really not sure what to do about it. Crazy-doc assures me that the talk therapy is going to fix it. It's certainly /helping/ but I'm not sure if it will /fix/ it all.

- Gryphon now has 6 teeth, is working on 2 more, is wearing size 18-24 month clothes, has likely broken the 30lb threshold,and is as tall as my knee when standing (not unassisted yet, but he's trying hard.) (Please note, still only 7mths old!!)

- As much as I'm enjoying my "time away" I feel like I'm letting my life slide into a pile of sewing that needs doing, and policies that need reviewing, and missing the hell out of Robbe. See Point #1

- There is a pool here. It's sort of awesome to start the day with a swim. Makes me feel spoiled.

Ah - there are people returning from the park now - time to go back on duty.

ETA - I've never driven through Toronto before. HOLY HELL. That highway is on CRACK!

As most of you know, we shall need to move soon but now I face the debate:

Do we give our two months notice, and move for November, while I'm on Mat leave and can still co-ordinate such things... or wait until I'm back at work and finances are easier, but take the time off to deal with a move. It's a hard call. What would you do?

I've got a show tomorrow, and in all honesty I've not done much work with Slingtastic since Gryphon was born. When Lily was younger I discovered that if I worked ahead in fits and starts, I could keep mostly ahead of the business sewing work with only 3-4 days of intense sewing every 3 months.

Well.. Gryphon is now 7 months old, and while my sling stock is mostly OK (and easier to find time for ..) my tie wrap stock was starting to stagnate, and I have a show tomorrow.

I called in the "Awesome Cavalry" and have made more progress in the last 2 days than I ever thought possible.

Chelle came yesterday and watched the kids, made cookies, and helped me sew during Gryphon's nap. I got 6 tie wraps cut, and straps all sewn, as well as 1.5 slings (slings are done in piece work) and a child's toy sling that was ordered for next week.

Today, Chelle called in dead at my insistence. She was willing to push for the afternoon, but it would have put her down for 3 days (although I'm sure she'll be feeling yesterday for at least 1 more day. Sorry.) So, Rob and I had a slowish morning, I made french toast (nom) and we sort of just puttered about, re-purpling our hairs. At noon, the switch was flipped. I put in a load of laundry, and went to pick up some spray paint and Matt. He then cleaned and painted (until paint ran out) a display set I got from Laura-mum while I finished 1 tie wrap. He had to run home at 4pm, and I had to get more paint!

I came home, and painted the rest of the shelves, and then for some reason (heh) needed a shower to scrub off all of my various colors.

It's dinner time now, and i've got to take the girls to Will when we're done eating, Install Amy's seat in his car, then come home and finish AT LEAST 2 more tie wraps, bring the laundry in, as well as bringing in all the painted stuff because it looks like it might rain.

... I'm looking forward to a nice quiet show day tomorrow, honestly! I love my friends though. They work for food, and come whenever they can. It ROCKS.

ETA: All the painting is done, and I got 3/6 tie wraps done with help. I am thankful for my friends, and I am thankful for that Rob guy who was amazing with Gryph today!

It's pretty much as I predicted in May. I had planned the frame work of our summer to be super busy, and then it just got busier. I'm very glad I'm not trying to fit Rugby in - I'd be a mental patient.

The visit to Trenton was (as always) lovely and relaxing and wonderful, except that Gryphon is now large enough that he doesn't share the futon very well with Rob and I. After a few nights at home though, my spine has stopped complaining.

The girls are back from Calgary tonight, and then we have 3 days of craziness together while I get ready for a Sling show on Sunday, Monday is the usual and then Tuesday Granny H. arrives from Vancouver. They will have seen every one of their grandmothers this summer - and that in it self is a feat!

I have to get back to my to-do list - before it bites me again!

Gryphon's upper center teeth seem to have broken the surface. We all actually slept last night, instead of waking frequently with screaming boy.

It's amazing what being well rested can do for your outlook on life!