My blog seems to be having issues right now so! a post:
On Depression.
I have been living with depression in one form or another my whole life I think.
As a child of course, it’s easy to say “you’re only sad because you’ve moved and left all of your friends behind” or “you’re just sad you failed that math test”.
As a teenager, my dad took me to the mental hospital in Fredericton to see someone. He didn’t know how to “help”, because the only way I could ever describe it was “I’m so sad I’m angry” and he didn’t want to talk about it.
When I had Lily, postpartum wasn’t really – it just pushed me further into a pre-existing depression. I got better as she aged, and then plummeted again post Amy. I think that’s part of what’s happening now – another baby, another dip.
I’m always amazed at people when I tell them (or imply) that I suffer from depression. People rationalize so quickly. “Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing major” or “It’s all in your head! Just think Happy!”. I can tell you right now, that my brain is not a happy place. In Grey’s Anatomy, Meridith once described herself as “all dark and twisty inside” and .. that’s pretty accurate for me. But still people find away to wave it away. “Your life is just hard.”
Maybe my life is hard. I’ve got 3 children (who are my bright spots) a partner (who I love, but sometimes needs managing) an ex-husband (who frequently makes me sad – unintentionally, and without malice BTW) a house to manage (which always seems too messy, too full, too busy, too loud) a Small Business (another bright spot more often than not), and a volunteer organization (which feels sometimes like it’s stomping me in to the ground) and a “Career” in Insurance (Yes! Let’s Push Paper! Woooo.) ..Ok, well that is a lot for a life. Plus, add in parental stress (this one isn’t talking to me, this one seems mad at me, this one and I don’t connect, that one is too busy to talk, and well .. I don’t know WHAT is happening to that one), worrying about friends (Is she sad? do we need to go? what can we do?) and run of the mill general WHOOPS LIFE HAPPENED stuff, and are we going to get a daycare spot, and did you pack a lunch, and get in the shower and.. and .. there’s no time left for me. Even my therapy appointments are spent with the boy creature crawling about being a loud nuisance.
.. but when I go to bed at night, I don’t feel like my life is hard. I feel like my life is mine – I’m just really .. sad and mad, and tired.
I don’t know. I thought this post would type more of itself than it has. Now I feel like I’ve stalled and can’t pull up.
In it’s essence, maybe that’s what depression is. You get so bogged down in the details and climbing up your lists of all the things that need managing, and then boom. You reach that critical angle where you’re no longer creating lift over the list, and you stall and start to spiral downwards towards bottom. Sometimes you pull up and out of the stall, and save yourself. Other times your wings clap themselves together into a final salute and you find yourself lying at the bottom of the pit wondering what the hell just happened.
… Yeah. Dark and twisty. I should sleep now. I imagine great dreams will follow this one.